I am not a Radical Birth Keeper

I’m not invested in trying to tell you where or how you should give birth.

What I am invested in, is reminding women that we have real choices, and that the power to choose our unique path has been ours all along. Whether that’s a free birth, supported homebirth, or a well-informed hospital birth, the point is, it’s our choice.

I’m not a doula, a midwife or a lactation consultant. I’m not a certified childbirth educator. In fact, aside from my nursing license which is tucked away for now, I hold no official credentials.

The support I provide is emotional, energetic, and unregulated.

After years of working dutifully within the scope of my nursing practice, this new experience of being completely outside the allopathic system, indeed outside of any specific system, is both invigorating and disorienting. It got me thinking.

I've spent so much of my life trying to put myself into a box, wasting energy trying to prove myself to the faceless masses, and always falling short. My Perfectionist and Good-Girl personas were a tough team to beat, working together to make sure I was always striving for impossible perfection.

What I didn't realize was that all this striving was futile; it was designed to fail from the get-go. Since it was rooted in unworthiness and inauthenticity, it always led to dissatisfaction.

 As a child, I was taught to be on my "best behavior"; seeking validation through positive attention at the cost of my true feelings. I learned that genuine emotion was not always welcomed, so I kept my truth hidden, in order to avoid rejection. Through nurturing my Good Girl, I lost parts of my real self.

 As a young adult, it looked like being a "hardcore" nurse; taking the first job offered (passing meds at a high-security prison)- despite all the red flags that it wasn’t right for me; working 16-hour overnights, taking on unsafe patient loads and bragging about skipping lunch and pee breaks.

During my first pregnancy, it manifested as being a “good patient.” I wanted to make everyone’s job easier.

Instead of taking responsibility for myself, I was focused on being a cooperative, compliant patient.

When tests, procedures and medications were ordered, the concept of discussing risks, benefits and alternatives didn’t even occur to me.

Giving birth, I didn’t advocate for myself at all. Again, I was trying to be seen as a good patient. I wanted the nurses and midwives to like me. Subconsciously, I thought that being liked would keep me safe. Unfortunately, that didn’t protect me from severe injury and infection. Worse, it caused lasting damage to my psyche, because it was an act of self-betrayal. I ended up dealing with postpartum depression and anxiety, delayed bonding, and self-isolation.

Does any of this sound familiar? Too many women have similar experiences.

The night of my second son’s birth represents the first time in my life that I stepped into my authority, and strayed from the box. He was born at home with the support of a certified midwife. Her presence at my birth was fortifying and reassuring, not authoritative. When I felt lost or overwhelmed by the intensity, she reminded me I wasn’t alone. She was an anchor, looking into my eyes and saying “yes, you can.” I was fortunate not to need more than her energetic support, but I also knew that if the need arose for further assistance, it would be discussed openly without coercion because we had created mutual trust.

We were a team, not a hierarchy.

In the fall of 2021, remaining in the box would have meant breeching the sanctity of my physical boundaries. I chose to sacrifice my job for my integrity, and in doing so, I realized that I was never the problem, the boxes were. While I sincerely believe that the medical ultimatum was unjust and unconstitutional, I am also grateful that I was able to use that challenging situation as a catalyst for internal growth.

The momentum from that decision fortified my determination to remain true to myself no matter what, especially during RBK school and setting up my business. When I started falling into comparison, or self-judgment, I caught myself.

I came to realize that there is room for all of me here and I serve the highest good when I accept and integrate all parts of myself.

These past few months, I have found myself occasionally falling back into the pit of boxes. Feeling the urge to pick a “side,” trying to find inspiration in posting the pretty word memes, and trying to prove that I'm worth listening to; it all left me feeling less-than. Also, since I still willingly engage with and benefit from some conventional systems, condemning them felt dishonest. My feelings about birth are nuanced and informed by my lived experience, as well as what I have learned from my mentors.

I want to find my own spark, feed my own fire, and shine my own light.  

So now I exist between the boxes. I step in and out of them, take what’s needed and leave the rest. I don’t need external labels to tell me I’m on the right path. Living this way has led me to a more fulfilling life than I could have even conceived of, back when I was living under my self-imposed ceiling. Allowing myself to be in my radiant fullness has given me freedom and joy in my relationships, my mothering, and my work.

So, no. I'm not a radical birth keeper, any more than I am a midwife or doula. I need more room than those titles provide, not to mention I don’t have the practical experience necessary to embody them.

I need room to trust women as they break free of their own boxes and celebrate the tiny decisions that add up to increased birth autonomy.

Incremental steps towards sovereignty, rooted in honesty and self-responsibility, are every bit as valuable as drastic cliff jumps. (And women, if a Radical Birth Keeper is what you’re looking for, I know lots of wise and embodied RBKs ready walk with you, to honor and celebrate your courageous birth freedom!)

For now, I'll happily walk, stumble, and crawl along my own path without heavy labels weighing me down. My goals will be internal. My success will be defined by the buoyancy of my joy, the openness of my heart and the strength of the connections I create. I'll meet you here, brave sisters, in the in-between, where we can have one toe in the system and one in the wild, where we can experience the boundless liberty of leading with our truth, and we can do our best, every day, to live in a world without boxes.